18 months

 Truth be told - I wrote this post five weeks ago and just couldn't put the finishing touches on hitting "publish." Honestly, something clicked today and I HAVE to hit publish. 

Today, as we are 19 months and a half (a young mom can get away with non-sense month counting like this because who would dare stop us), I just couldn't stop looking at these kids. These superhero versions of Scott and I. We went to the state fair and they ate corn on the cob. They drank out of water bottles. The ran. They laughed. They walked into the calf showing barn while everyone talked in hushed tones while the cows were "shown" and yelled "MOOOOO" at the top of their lungs, and had a smile on their face the whole time. We ended our day on the fast and furiously dizzy carousel... the five of us. Quinn gripping his mama like the boat is sinking, Harper firm and steady on her winning horse - no smiles, all business. And Gracie full of glee, happy to be the baby. And us, we are so happy. So happy to be their parents. Not always happy with their actions, the day or the weather that life brings. But always, always happy to be their mommy and daddy. 

This is US. And on a day like this, when you stop to count your blessings and get over yourself and forget that someone (not naming any names - starts with an H and ends with an -er) hits you with a block in the head - you can remember. Everything is in it's place. No mistakes. No questions. All is right.  

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18 Wheelin' and Dealin'

Simply put, we are 18 (oh OK, by the time I am writing this we are 19 almost 20) months.

So many mountains have been climbed. So many milestones checked. Tears cried. Smiles beamed. Giggles giggled. And silent and spoken blessings counted and I love you's whispered. 

So many. All times three. I look back and want to ask that mom, "How did you do it?" Like the whole world asks curiously everyday. Because I don't know how we got here. You know when you are super tired and you go to the store or something, and then you get home, unpack the bags and put them away and then realize you aren't sure how you got home...like you literally don't know if you were the one driving the car, or the route you took or if you opened the garage door or came through the front door. Like that.

I don't know how I get home with every passing month. But somehow we always do. 

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Dear Quinn, Harper & Gracie - 

What strikes me the most at this age is personality and preference. You three little people have just about zero in common most days, other than the fact you shared a uterus the first 8 months of life. Like in one dinner, Harper, you may ONLY eat mac n cheese if you are on my hip, scooping out handfuls with your skinny longs fingers, while shoving it in your tiny mouth, half giggling and half moshing. Or how you, Gracie, will only eat your mac n cheese out of the BIG glass serving bowl, if it is set in front of you while you say"cheeeeze!!" While you, Quinn, are on repeat "milll. millll. miiiiillll." (milk) after taking down your whole plate.

Lots of food throwing. Lots of "I'm doing this for myself, how dare you." The "I want the big piece of toast, banana, pizza,etc" - don't cut my food like a baby. And more food throwing. And more skipped meals. Carbs, carbs and we'll have crackers for lunch carbs. Throw meat. Can follow any basic direction. Can ignore any basic direction. Can repeat almost anything you ask them to say. Can grunt and suddenly be void of all vocabulary. Need to be outside and free. LOVE anything water. Have a nightly ritual after baths; you stand and wait for hooded towels to be placed on heads over those thinning out naked bummies. You get the towel and stand at the door into the bedroom, like a derby house almost out of the gate. Daddy releases you and I always cheer for you. And then you all run, cape flowing behind you...until you crash and fall and laugh. And then you get up and run some more. It is the highlight of your day, and often ours. Every night, Quinn remembers to grab the big "First 100 Words" book and brings it over to Daddy on the rocking chair. That book is magical. All three of you pick up new words every night, just from this book. It mesmerizes you as Daddy says, "Where is the ... CHAIR?!!" And you all point and say your own little version of chair. You love popsicles and trips to get frozen yogurt... spoon skills get better with every trip...for now, we are a sticky covered mess, but thats' what laundry is for. Our favorite place to go is Conner Prairie and see the sheep and play with the pretend farm, train table and old time store. We also have started going to the church and Y nursery...although Quinn still has some kinks to work out with that one.. Pretty much despise the stroller and can only go to the store with mom if you have a good stash of snacks. Love to sing and dance and remember and sign all those songs we have been singing since birth! Our current favorite: Ring Around the Rosy - with all of you carefully searching for each other's hands to hold...sometimes very confused with the "inside out" hand holding (right hand to right hand, it just makes sense that any hand should work?) Saturday morning farmer's market are the best: we get something really yummy (muffins, scones or homemade bagels) and get to run free on the grass - dancing and listening to the music while Mom gets us fresh food that we will probably throw on the floor. Everyone is happy on Saturday mornings.) For the most part, we are happy (unless we are really mad) and givers and already, at this young age, have each other's backs. Q & G, you know when a paci is under a crib, it goes to Harper. Quinn, although you mostly steal it, you know that milk left behind is usually Gracandra's (nope, that is not her full name, but that's what Daddy calls her...????) When Harper strays off (and she usually does), Gracie starts saying "Mar-mar!?" and gets that sheep back on track. 

Q -  You have changed the most. I worried you may be a "push-over", with your sisters kind of always "bossing you around," but boy am I not worried anymore. You hold your own and are certainly exploring your independence (this sometimes includes grabbing, with force, anything and everything your sisters have, hitting your sisters across the face and laughing, showing your anger by pausing in the crouched position and then just belly diving onto the floor and letting it rip and the other famous - the reach and pout when something just isn't right in your world.) You love to help - with anything from cleaning, putting items away or bringing snacks or dolls to your sister. You deep down, no matter how "boy" you get to be, are a good boy. You love to measure and scoop and put objects in water to see what they do - with this look of seriousness and commitment. Like someone assigned you to engineer the next best space rocket. You try to say just about everything, but a lot of your words come out with the root "ma" or "da." My current favorite word of yours: "woooork" (Daddy at work) - you say it with such seriousness...with that little boy scratchy voice - melts my heart. One of my most proud moments: giving you an apple and you handed it to G. Giving you another apple, you hand to H. The 3rd apple you keep. A golden rule follower with golden hair...that is learning to push his limits. And in true boy form, usually looks handsome as a devil doing it. 

H- You are still the monkey that is happy and free and would do just about anything when challenged, but recently has developed a sensitive side that makes you this sweet little thing that sometimes just needs a good cuddle. Your hair has auburn tones and your skin is like porcelain - you really look like my little doll. You are so independent and you completely entertain and blow me away when I watch you across the room in a new setting - never afraid to go up to a new group of kids (usually older) and just watch, never shy that you "don't belong." I have a feeling, you will always just belong, wherever you go, whatever you do. The plate/food throwing is your MO ... some nights I'm afraid Daddy is going to take you to Grandma's and just leave you there, like some ranch for kids that need to learn to not throw their plates. You squeel. You are just a squeeler. When you are happy. When you are mad. When you are surprised. When you giggle. And your little voice, it's just so little and sweet, like you. You are gaining new words everyday - but still, the sweetest sound you make is "mama." It really is. I also REALLY like the enthusiasm you put into your "aaaaMMMMMMMen!" after prayers at night. That glow worm baby and your old grouse pacifier may go to college with you. Just don't blame me when you can't get a 2nd date. Monkey Mae, Mar-Mar and Harper Jo - you light up our world and keep that oil burning.

Gracie girl - Will you promise, no matter how old we both are, no matter where we both live, that when we meet, you will embrace me and hug me like you do now? Your soft curls and mooshy belly hugs stop me in my tracks. You are such a ham and goofball and really, really like to giggle and have fun. You can be shy, but you mostly feed off others talking to you, smiling with those apple cheeks and sometimes even batting your mile long, dark eyelashes. You are like a little walking, talking sponge. What we say, you say. Watermelon? No problem. Excuse me - "me-me," stops my heart. Mooommmmy. Daddddyyyy. Nnnnn (Quinn) Mar-mar (Harper) May-ma (Grandma) and Bapa (Grandpa) top the list. Your giggle, when it goes deep into your belly and rolls out with a curl at the end, that one is contagious. You are such a little organizer and helper. Not only do you put things in its place, you organize them. Stacks of diapers, balls all in one spot or napkins in a row. You have an eye for neatness and barely ever have dirty clothes when the other 2 looked like they rolled in a bathtub of peaches and ketchup. You have such a song in your heart and a beat in your soul - watching you dance and sing makes me happy. That side head tilt, half smile and finger waving to the music says it all. Your 1st song you sang "Rowwwww, rowwww, rowwww" (your boat). I think you have a career ahead of you. Sweet Gracie girl - we waited our whole life just to have your song.

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Just a few pictures. Out of the 2090 images on my Mac...

Today Show, We love you.

Basically, I have Quinn, Harper & Gracie to thank for this honor:

Our big "debut" on the Today Show - ha ha!

View clip here!

Check it out!

Here it is.

You, meet the new blog.

New blog, meet you.

Hope to have you on board.  I do love having you here, so wouldn't it be fun to have you there.

www.justbreathemama.com

SNEAK PEEK of new blog

A sneak peek of a blog post from new site, coming soon: mamabearall.com

http://creativejuicesflowat6am.tumblr.com/post/20058606338/alignment

(this is not the web address listed above. this will be launched soon!)

Packing Bags

To all that have been with me, with us, for this crazy ride of wanting a baby, trying for a baby, trying harder and then crying. And crying more.

And then eventually the pregnancy. Oh the pregnancy. The growing of three humans. The race victorious.

The delivery. The birth. The introduction to Quinn, Harper, Gracie and me, the mother. Scott, the father. Us, the family.

The first days.

The first months.

The first year.

All the love & support by just following the stories - it means so much to me and to us. Thank you, thank you, thank you for it all. The words of encouragement in ways big & small - it was and is fuel to me.

And so it goes, life goes on. Things are great. Things are scary. Things are fragile. Things are life as we know it. I plan to keep this little Popsicle stand of a blog going just so I can have a bragging outlet and a place to store pictures of my babies as they grow. A journal of how the genius unfolds in three wide eyed and innocent children.

But, if you will, please follow me to my new landing spot. A place that has evolved from all that I mentioned above. A place where I will bare all. In the figurative sense, no nude pictures, don't worry. The good, the bad, the ugly. And the uglier. And the pretty, the new and the lessons learned. The love, the questions. The day to day and the year to year. The small things. The big picture. The way life unfolds for us. For all of us aboard the ship of figuring life out. For those of us that manage, direct, nurture, love, cuddle, chase, cook, sometimes clean and all times do. We always do. A place for us.

And day by day, night by night, giggle by giggle and tear by tear, we are living the dream. We are Mama Bears, hear us roar.

Mamabearall.com coming soon.

For a sneak peek, stop by my secret blog on deck page. Be gentle, this is my practice spot. It's a big deal I'm sharing it. With you. And thanks for even caring what goes on in this crazy treadmill of a brain. I do it in the hopes that even one mama, one lonely soul will feel connected. Will be nourished. Will allow themselves to be accepted.

Will just breathe.

 http://creativejuicesflowat6am.tumblr.com/

Love to you all.

Pride and Celebration- One Year

Where the journey began....

Born December 16th at 5:04, 5:05 and 5:06 pm ..Here we are almost 72 hours old - snuggled and ready to go home as a family!!! 

Going home day - December 19th 2012 

They said we could we leave with all three of them??!!!  Now what??

And one year later....

You can't keep us down! Or one in one place for that matter!

At one year (way back on December 16th :)...)

Quinn Scott -- 27 lbs and 31 1/4 inches 

Harper Jo - 19 lbs 10 ozs 29 1/2 inches 

Gracie Jean - 25 lbs 10 ozs and 30 1/2 inches  

In honor of Love on Valentines Day -- I am proud to say I am FINALLY making a post on the first year!

There are certain times in your life when you feel proud.

High School graduation. Getting accepted into college. Landing your first real job. Getting Married. Buying your first house. Even buying your first expensive purse.

But when you look at your kids and see them walk, talk, and start to know the world around them - there is no comparison for the pride you feel. It's been said by many people that having children is watching your heart walk on the outside of your body. This isn't just a clever saying. It is the truth.

My heart is walking daily on the wings of three little people I know.

It is bursting, aching, exhausted, elated and most of the times beating like I just ran a marathon - tired but full of adrenaline because I am mother bear, hear me roar.

You hear everyone say that a year flies by when you are a mom. We see toddlers, first graders and high school seniors and everyone says, "Can you believe how fast time goes?" Well, when it's a child that you actually shared their first breath with, you actually CAN'T believe or grasp the way life unfolds so miraculously and effortlessly, but not without hard work, dedication, sleepless nights. And often long, drawn out afternoons waiting on daddy to just walk through the door with fresh energy. 


A year is a mark in time to celebrate how much has just happened since that first cry of life happened. As a parent you think you will remember every little thing that happens those first few moments, days, weeks, months. Those early days of magical moments getting to finally look at what grew inside of you. Those moments that challenge those first few magical dates you had with the man who would eventually be your husband. The first few weeks full of first baths, explosive poops, waterfall pees on the wall, the swaddling in the middle of the night, the being so tired that you start to look for your children in the covers (true story, they were safe in their bassinets. I was insane). And you sort of remember glimpses. And you sort of don't.

But what you do know is that a year ago they laid there warm, mooshy and just helpless without your love, daddy's tight swaddling prowess, mommy's exceptional ability to rock and roll you to sleep and grandma's gallant effort to get up and hold you at 3 am when mommy and daddy just couldn't do one more moonlight lap around the house.

And you do know that now they can feed themselves. They know their names. They laugh at each other without mom or dad even being in the room. They know when it's bath time and can say their own version of bath. They can throw away their own diapers. They know to not touch something when you say their name a certain way. And will keep trying again and again anyway. They will initiate hugs, cuddles and even say awe when they snuggle you. They can blow kisses and say bye bye. They are waiting each and every morning in their crib - standing, jumping, sometimes "running laps" or gnawing on the fine wood - but always ready with a smile, a screech and arms outstretched. They know to put a few toys away before lunch and dinner and actually will line up at the basement stairs to go get grub.

And just as you get to a stage that you think you may scream because you can't handle one more "not for your hands" or "please don't take that toy from your brother "- they hit a new stage that you fall sincerely and hopelessly in love with. (And yes, 10 months when everyone was pulling up and FALLING every second and bruising faces and 12 months when we were all walking and TOUCHING and grabbing EVERYTHING and didn't hear nor understand "not for your hands"--  almost put me in the looney bin or back to full time corporate work -- for a break --). But then you hit now. The sweet now that makes my heart proud when they sit and read a book alone. Or they go and get the pj pants so we can put them on. Or I'm driving down the road and hear a kiss being blown my way, for no reason and with no prompting. My heart is proud. And I know every stage is as beautiful as the first breath....and the first year.

Quinn, Harper & Gracie -  Thank you, thank you, thank you for the best first year a girl that just wanted to be a mom could have.

What a celebration.
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Here is what I want you to know about your one year old selves. May you always have a piece of "this innocent and curious you", in you. (And yes, you are 13 months and a half ... but better late than never. I've learned that has hard as I try to write memories, snap candids, video giggles, and shut my eyes and tell myself to never forget this or that ... I will. And that's ok. So far, the present always seems to get better and even though I can't remember all the little details of the day you were born, I know it was a happy day. And that's enough.

Quinn Scott --

You are our sensitive little man and you LOVE your mama more each day. Sometimes when people visit you climb on me, hang on like a koala and cry if I leave the room, sure that I am leaving for a lifetime. You are so verbal and remember everything. Over the last couple of months, you have mastered somersaults and drop down your head every time the word is said. You are offended if we don't let you throw away every dirty diaper and you hover over your sisters diaper changes so I will give you the diaper to walk over to the trash. You grab either your feet or other peoples feet when we say socks or shoes and you know your belly, head, ears, hair, feet, teeth and eyes. One problem, you think only one nose exists. "Quinn, where is your nose?" Quinn - smiles, points and grabs mommys nose - everytime! You love placing objects in their place and get frustrated when you can't... cups in cup holders, puzzles, shape sorters. You shake and try to open just about everything. If you're not sure about something, you give it a good shake until we tell you to move on. And of course, you will go back until something better comes along to distract you. You love your swing & slide and are so brave and climb right up and slide down all by yourself! You give cozy and cuddly hugs and you love to hug your Pooh Bear and your sisters and when you do so, you say "aweee" until we notice your sweetness. You took steps right before you turned one and within a few weeks were on your way. I miss your crawl (you got so fast!), but you waddle and get that 27 lb body wherever you need to go. You had your 1st haircut on Christmas Eve by Uncle Josh's Daddy Rex. I cried. It's grown back all the way - you have hair, buddy. You have slowed down your eating and are a little more picky and you are slimming down (mixed emotions here - better on my chiropractor bill, sad to see those pudgy pie legs slimming out). Your favorite foods are cuties, hamburgers, blueberries, applesauce gogo bags, and crackers and pretzels. You like your switch to milk...and yes, your one bottle at bed time is still a must. Your words are mama, dada, awe, mil (milk), boon (balloon), hllo (hello while holding fake cell phones to head - what does that say about us) , ball, book, duck, light, hi, bye bye, baby, shoe,sock up, more, all done, sna (snack) bath, doggie, bath, noooo (pronounced neeeoo - a favorite) and da (it means every other word, that just isn't a word yet). Favorite thing about you? Hands down, your giggle. Don't ever stop it.

Harper Jo --

You surprise us so much! You are curious and so playful and love to climb and explore, but you don't get long without checking in for those famous outstretched arms, open mouth awwweeee and a big ol kiss and a hug and a turn around in sit in your lap moment. I cherish those. You are very independent and really only want held a lot when you miss your 2nd nap (you sometimes elect to just skip your 2nd nap - bites you later!). You are so social and will reach your sweet little arms out to most anyone and give them a big sweet smile. You give your brother and sister hugs and have very wet kisses! You love your slide and swing and you are a crazy woman standing backwards on your swing and sliding down backwards and on your belly down the slide. But nothing will ever beat your two loves - your chair and your paci. You sit in that chair reading your books like you're a little old lady that has done it for decades. And that paci - well you love it, but we make you be a closet paci sucker (you only can have it in your crib at bed time... and w/ out - there is no sleep). You are like sunshine when you walk in a room  with your little wide leg walk. You are this little peanut running around and swinging those arms and smiling and laughing with pure inner joy. You are contagious. You love to put things on your head and always touch your head and belly when we ask! You make just about everything a hat. You love your baths and go nuts splashing! You think it is so funny to see that baby in the mirror with a hooded towel on. After a bath, you basically run around upstairs picking up things, throwing them, laughing and stopping every once in awhile for a hug. Every once in awhile, you get up a little earlier than your bro and sis, and we can't say we mind- you get to come in bed with us, cuddle, babble and have your milk. Sometimes I want you to wake up early! Those long dark eyelashes and blue eyes with your porcelain perfect skin are simply beautiful. You have such intense eye contact that we think you really listen when we talk (scary sometimes). You have this love for shoes and mens neck ties. (odd,yes). You will always find shoes and You are a monster eater despite your six pack abs and next to no body fat. You really will eat anything and we have to watch you because you squirrel stuff your cheeks so quickly you start to choke sometimes. You love yogurt, waffles, crackers, blueberries, cuties and pizza. Your words are mama, daaa, hi, bye bye, bath,baby,book, ball, more, doggie, sna (snack) hlo (hello on that same cell phone), bird, and lots of baaas and points and expressions that are a catch all. Favorite thing about you Monkey May, dancing you, swinging you and watching that deep belly laugh when you are free in the air, pure joy!

Gracie Jean --

Sweet marshmallow. We sometimes sit and just watch you and just laugh. You have these expressions and words and noises and giggles and motions that just make you so comical and cute. That smile that turns into a grin big enough to see those pearly whites, followed by a scrunched up nose and giggle has stolen the hearts of us and many strangers. Not to mention the strangers you sometimes walk up to and put your arms up to be held. You don't know many strangers and seem to always be looking for somebody to love on. You have a natural way of making people feel loved and cuddled. While you also have an innate ability to come over, hug your mama and somehow make off with her cell phone. You are determined and do not forget that you have a few objectives in life - getting a cell phone or remote, the occasional toy steal and eating or asking for a "sna" snack. You sing like a little bird and we are often lucky enough to have your songs as an alarm clock. I think you are one of those people that got the gift of being you and being happy - you walk around literally singing and dancing to your own beat and you are oh so happy. Sometimes you will sit for up to 30 minutes looking at a book singing to yourself, or playing with a musical toy that you hit the button over and over again so it sings and you can bob your head back and forth to dance. You have a princess wave and sometimes you incorporate that princess wave into your dancing. If music is on, you are moving that JLo booty. You like Moves Like Jagger and If You're Happy and You Know It (but you have really snubbed clapping and hooray-ing and just want to stomp, stomp those feet.) As sweet and agreeable and patient as you are, you have an opinion, and there is no changing it. I've seen glimpses of that head throwing, on the ground kicking my feet, I want my way - and I have to say, even then, you are funny. You love daddy's neck ties and love to wrap them on like scarves,  books, balls, and really anything that is little and you can hold in your hand, put in your mouth and walk around. This spans anything from puzzle pieces, random blocks, maybe wood chips that mysteriously turn up in our carpet or long hairs from your shedding mother. You find every detail and aren't afraid to eat it. You are a picky eater, but you love your snacks. You love waffles, anything bread, blueberries, crackers, squeezie bags, pretzels and really anything crunchy. Your words are ball (it was your first and the first word among all of you!) , mama, dada, bye bye (and you will never miss a chance to say it), all done, more, milk, bath, up and your favorite word of all sna (snack!!) No chance that there is anything more favorite about you than your sweet hug,cuddle and rest your head on our shoulder just about whenever we pick you up!

Bottles

I know - soooo behind on keeping up with the life & times of the Hackman trio. But I've sort of been busy raising three one year olds...

As we work on saying goodbye to bottles at the one year mark - all I want to do is "bottle" everything.

I really wish you could bottle certain smells (newborn head and freshly bathed toddler hair), certain sounds (newborn cries or "mama" from the mouth of a white tiny toothed one year old) and certain feelings (mooshy warm newborn bodies on your chest or big one year old bodies , finally motionless, while asleep with arms wrapped tightly around your neck).

But you know, you can't.

So - until I sit down & actually try to journal all the changes that hit at one year (impossible), here is a glimpse and a memory to look back on. My favorite time - Goodnight Moon time...

Quinn, Harper & Gracie - what a pleasure it is to be your mommy

(please excuse our annoying attempts at getting our kids to hug by saying "aweee" and also my AWESOME hair, again I'm raising babies & don't leave for days sometimes...)