Am I really sitting here in bed feeling sorry for myself and relating to Giuliana and Bill because the only difference between their conversation on "next baby steps" is that they are in Santa Monica on tv and we are in Indiana, normally in a car or over dinner. Giulana is on a quest to decide if she's going to do IVF -- she's confused, sad, scared and not prepared. What would I normally have in common with someone on E!TV...well, today, it feels like a lot...
Well, it is a rainy Sunday. The first night I've slept alone without Magoo while Scott is out of town and my 1st week of birth control pills. ERRRR...
Yes, sounds crazy, I am on birth control. And yes, that seems weird. But I have to admit and accept that today I'm feeling down. I feel frustrated, but am still committed to being positive and believing. I'm not sure how, but I know that I like peace and faith better than feeling sorry for myself and feeling so dark inside.
The truth is that I have very real emotions and thoughts surrounding decisions and what is going to happen or not happen. My prayer for myself is to accept those emotions and to connect to them, instead of brushing over them and playing them off as just wanting to get pregnant.
The other truth is that I can see a positive shift, which is 2 pats on the back for me. On the other hand, I still get a ping of jealousy that I try to work out when I see all those babies at church. But, I am thankful for the belief inside of me that allows me to see light at the end of the tunnel. I was surrounded by two very pregnant and dear friends yesterday -- while still being able to find it inside me to instead of feeling jealous, think to myself...."please let their fertility rub off on me.."
Today just feels heavy and emotional. I have to remember this isn't real. My hormones are going through a dip and twist because of the birth control pill. I will not always feel like this. I feel blah, isolated and hungry. I pray to snap out of this..soon! I am going to yoga in an hour -- really hoping that is the pick me up I need.
For now, we are going with the guidance and opinion of the 4th fertility doctor we have seen. He is by far the nicest and most down to earth. If I can just keep my doubts on trusting anyone at bay, I know this will work. He has directed me to take the pill for a month to get my ovaries in check and to get a normal period. I haven't had a normal period since one month after my surgery, and have not had a regular cycle at all. I have faith by taking the pill this month with Glumetza that I will have a normal and full flow period, allowing us to move on!!
Moving on to baby making for us is to do injectables with an iui. I am not sure how this will work with travel, but I will have faith and the let the plan unravel before me. On this one, I only have so much control. My intention is to release that control and to allow myself to feel joy that is trying to come in.
I will be away for training for my new job- so hopefully my body and mind are full of other thoughts, allowing my body to just leg go and be healthy on its own.
As I go to my yoga class this afternoon...my intentions are as folllows -- letting go of control and being welcome and open to joy and fertility!!!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
My name is Kristin, and I'm infertile...
A support group just makes you feel like life got weird. The idea of being in a room with stranger, with people you don't even know, just makes you feel uncomfortable. I mean, what could you have in common???
Well, I will tell you what you could have in common. Tonight, at my first Resolve meeting, I found that I have quite a bit in common with 5 other women and 1 man that I've never met. We all want and don't have. We all feel sad, mad and cheated. But we all have hope, and we know we do, because we are here.
The 2 hours I spent here really got to me...in a good way. It came easy to me to listen to all the stories, to digest them without judging -because I really understood. And it felt so good and comfortable to share openly, because I knew they got me too.
The room was dynamic, and God had worked to plop us all in this same room at St. Lukes (ironically the church we were married in). There may have been some f-bombs in the house of The Lord..but I think he understood tonight.
We had the adorable woman and man couple that came in the room emotional and shared their story first. They are nearing the age of no return - 40 - and they are fighting off the guilt of not wanting to go to every adoption party or birthday parties for their friends kids. She cried because they were on a break, and it was breaking her heart. Her husband, sat beside her, her biggest fan, not even phased he is at a woman's support group.They will make wonderful parents, and I pray they are blessed more than they expect.
Next was a girl around my age. She is eating her dinner and sits next to me. I wasn't sure if she was going to be real warm or fuzzy, but she had a story too, and even if she isn't warm and fuzzy, she is in our boat. I like her after she got talking. She seemed patient and seemed to be open to her path. Her husband had male factor and she has poor egg quality. I can't help but say a prayer my eggs are in good quality. I can't help it. I hope to myself that her and myself can use our own eggs.
A 30 year old cute blonde girl that I can't figure out. She has normal periods and her husband has borderline problems. He has had 7 semen tests and she has had 2 laparscopic procedures in 6 months (one was enough for me - man!).
They gave up for now. She said they want to do IVF but can't afford it. Can I afford it? I don't know. We have seen the same Dr. -- she tell me Jarrett raised his IVF rates and that you have to pay all up front. Ouch. I like her - she's funny and sighs for people's sad stories. I don't know if she will be back next time, but I hope she is. I think I could be friends with her.
The most tragic story of the night. A 46 year old woman that has never been married or pregnant. She is grieving the loss of her fertility. Wow. I feel a punch in the stomach. She has not enough money to go to doctors or to adopt. She is literally watching her fertility go as menopause is imminent. We all tear up. I hate this for her. She has a gentle nice spirit that really touched me. I wanted to hug her but she left quick at the end. I hope I see her again. I really hope she gets to be somebody's mother figure. She would be a good mom. This one is hard to understand.
The leader -- the fearless leader came in with hope for all of us. Ironic that most of the group was new and that she had just taken over leading in the last year because the leader became pregnant. Now, as she told her story, I could start to tell that her story was one with an ending. This brought me major hope because she has PCOS like me..and she didn't do IVF! Maybe I don't have to. I am happy she is pregnant. She is sooo nervous and afraid that the fragile life inside of her won't stay real. I pray that she has twins and that is double blessed.
And me... It was easy to share my story! We talked about PCOS and about how hard it is to find a Dr. you can trust. I go through my laundry list of doctors and decisions. The best thing ever happened. After my verbal vomit, I looked around and I didn't get one blank look. I didn't get one "it will work out" or "just stop trying". And I didn't get an opinion. I got understanding. It's all I had needed. For tonight, my cup is full. Maybe my problems aren't gone, nor are all my questions answered, but I know these people were all put in my path for a reason. I am at peace tonight with what is to be...but Dear God, I really need some help with baby steps..please guide me to the right Dr. and help me to know that it is right. I just can't do it alone!
Well, I will tell you what you could have in common. Tonight, at my first Resolve meeting, I found that I have quite a bit in common with 5 other women and 1 man that I've never met. We all want and don't have. We all feel sad, mad and cheated. But we all have hope, and we know we do, because we are here.
The 2 hours I spent here really got to me...in a good way. It came easy to me to listen to all the stories, to digest them without judging -because I really understood. And it felt so good and comfortable to share openly, because I knew they got me too.
The room was dynamic, and God had worked to plop us all in this same room at St. Lukes (ironically the church we were married in). There may have been some f-bombs in the house of The Lord..but I think he understood tonight.
We had the adorable woman and man couple that came in the room emotional and shared their story first. They are nearing the age of no return - 40 - and they are fighting off the guilt of not wanting to go to every adoption party or birthday parties for their friends kids. She cried because they were on a break, and it was breaking her heart. Her husband, sat beside her, her biggest fan, not even phased he is at a woman's support group.They will make wonderful parents, and I pray they are blessed more than they expect.
Next was a girl around my age. She is eating her dinner and sits next to me. I wasn't sure if she was going to be real warm or fuzzy, but she had a story too, and even if she isn't warm and fuzzy, she is in our boat. I like her after she got talking. She seemed patient and seemed to be open to her path. Her husband had male factor and she has poor egg quality. I can't help but say a prayer my eggs are in good quality. I can't help it. I hope to myself that her and myself can use our own eggs.
A 30 year old cute blonde girl that I can't figure out. She has normal periods and her husband has borderline problems. He has had 7 semen tests and she has had 2 laparscopic procedures in 6 months (one was enough for me - man!).
They gave up for now. She said they want to do IVF but can't afford it. Can I afford it? I don't know. We have seen the same Dr. -- she tell me Jarrett raised his IVF rates and that you have to pay all up front. Ouch. I like her - she's funny and sighs for people's sad stories. I don't know if she will be back next time, but I hope she is. I think I could be friends with her.
The most tragic story of the night. A 46 year old woman that has never been married or pregnant. She is grieving the loss of her fertility. Wow. I feel a punch in the stomach. She has not enough money to go to doctors or to adopt. She is literally watching her fertility go as menopause is imminent. We all tear up. I hate this for her. She has a gentle nice spirit that really touched me. I wanted to hug her but she left quick at the end. I hope I see her again. I really hope she gets to be somebody's mother figure. She would be a good mom. This one is hard to understand.
The leader -- the fearless leader came in with hope for all of us. Ironic that most of the group was new and that she had just taken over leading in the last year because the leader became pregnant. Now, as she told her story, I could start to tell that her story was one with an ending. This brought me major hope because she has PCOS like me..and she didn't do IVF! Maybe I don't have to. I am happy she is pregnant. She is sooo nervous and afraid that the fragile life inside of her won't stay real. I pray that she has twins and that is double blessed.
And me... It was easy to share my story! We talked about PCOS and about how hard it is to find a Dr. you can trust. I go through my laundry list of doctors and decisions. The best thing ever happened. After my verbal vomit, I looked around and I didn't get one blank look. I didn't get one "it will work out" or "just stop trying". And I didn't get an opinion. I got understanding. It's all I had needed. For tonight, my cup is full. Maybe my problems aren't gone, nor are all my questions answered, but I know these people were all put in my path for a reason. I am at peace tonight with what is to be...but Dear God, I really need some help with baby steps..please guide me to the right Dr. and help me to know that it is right. I just can't do it alone!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Two is Better than One...
I can remember a time this last September when Scott and I were sitting in a train station cafe in Reims, France sipping on cappuccinos and literally falling asleep on each other in the over sized chairs. The sun was shining and the train station was busy, but it felt so peaceful to us. We had just been through the most chaotic day of being lost, almost missing our train out of Paris, being dumped in the middle of the countryside on our 2nd day in France and then battling blisters after touring Champagne houses in bad shoes from our luggage not showing up the day before. But somehow, outside of the language barrier and our 2 hour wait to get back to France, we had each other, and there was enough peace to just sleep. I remember thinking, I could be anywhere, anytime with this man and be o.k. We are the lucky ones. And now, as we face the decision of going to IVF, we need each other more than ever. This is exciting and encouraging, knowing that we are close to the prize: taking a healthy and bouncing baby home. But it's scary and weird, not knowing what we are getting into and not knowing how we got here.
I embarrassed to say we met with our 3rd fertility doctor today. However, I feel like God really led us to him and even though we had some obstacles and detours, I am ready to trust him. I think this has been important for me. I haven't been ready to trust and give up control, and now that I have worked on myself and figured out that all the stress and effort I have been putting into "solving it myself" has just left me feeling like a failure, frustrated and not any closer to being pregnant than I was two years ago.
What seemed like an innocent experience with taking Clomid in October of 2008 has turned into a whirlwind of acupuncture and natural attempts, more Clomid, Femera and more Femera, and even more blood tests, ultrasounds, and eventually a surgery and Metformin.PCOS has become my identity in many ways. I have become obsessed with fixing myself through taking all the right vitamins, medicine and eating the perfect diet. I have been wanting to blame myself for so long, and to just do better and make it happen. If I could only remember that I can only do so much, I would be a lot better off.
Which is my intention as we stare IVF in the face. My first commitment is NO Internet searching. This will be hard for me. However, most questions I have can be answered by the handful of people I know that have been through IVF or by the nurses and doctor we are deciding to trust. The Internet is toxic for me!!
Next commitment is to trust God's plan. He led us to Dr. Gentry and know I will trust him to guide us through. Of course I am worried about the money, the side effects, the time commitment with my new job and the risk of failure. But my hope is to wake up everyday just open to the plan, letting the positive in, negative out.
So for today, we are ready to be patients of the game. We don't know how to play yet, but we are committed and ready. I am excited and am ready for the new chapter. Next step - IVF Conference March 17th! For now, prayers that we have the funding worked out....
I embarrassed to say we met with our 3rd fertility doctor today. However, I feel like God really led us to him and even though we had some obstacles and detours, I am ready to trust him. I think this has been important for me. I haven't been ready to trust and give up control, and now that I have worked on myself and figured out that all the stress and effort I have been putting into "solving it myself" has just left me feeling like a failure, frustrated and not any closer to being pregnant than I was two years ago.
What seemed like an innocent experience with taking Clomid in October of 2008 has turned into a whirlwind of acupuncture and natural attempts, more Clomid, Femera and more Femera, and even more blood tests, ultrasounds, and eventually a surgery and Metformin.PCOS has become my identity in many ways. I have become obsessed with fixing myself through taking all the right vitamins, medicine and eating the perfect diet. I have been wanting to blame myself for so long, and to just do better and make it happen. If I could only remember that I can only do so much, I would be a lot better off.
Which is my intention as we stare IVF in the face. My first commitment is NO Internet searching. This will be hard for me. However, most questions I have can be answered by the handful of people I know that have been through IVF or by the nurses and doctor we are deciding to trust. The Internet is toxic for me!!
Next commitment is to trust God's plan. He led us to Dr. Gentry and know I will trust him to guide us through. Of course I am worried about the money, the side effects, the time commitment with my new job and the risk of failure. But my hope is to wake up everyday just open to the plan, letting the positive in, negative out.
So for today, we are ready to be patients of the game. We don't know how to play yet, but we are committed and ready. I am excited and am ready for the new chapter. Next step - IVF Conference March 17th! For now, prayers that we have the funding worked out....
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