Am I really sitting here in bed feeling sorry for myself and relating to Giuliana and Bill because the only difference between their conversation on "next baby steps" is that they are in Santa Monica on tv and we are in Indiana, normally in a car or over dinner. Giulana is on a quest to decide if she's going to do IVF -- she's confused, sad, scared and not prepared. What would I normally have in common with someone on E!TV...well, today, it feels like a lot...
Well, it is a rainy Sunday. The first night I've slept alone without Magoo while Scott is out of town and my 1st week of birth control pills. ERRRR...
Yes, sounds crazy, I am on birth control. And yes, that seems weird. But I have to admit and accept that today I'm feeling down. I feel frustrated, but am still committed to being positive and believing. I'm not sure how, but I know that I like peace and faith better than feeling sorry for myself and feeling so dark inside.
The truth is that I have very real emotions and thoughts surrounding decisions and what is going to happen or not happen. My prayer for myself is to accept those emotions and to connect to them, instead of brushing over them and playing them off as just wanting to get pregnant.
The other truth is that I can see a positive shift, which is 2 pats on the back for me. On the other hand, I still get a ping of jealousy that I try to work out when I see all those babies at church. But, I am thankful for the belief inside of me that allows me to see light at the end of the tunnel. I was surrounded by two very pregnant and dear friends yesterday -- while still being able to find it inside me to instead of feeling jealous, think to myself...."please let their fertility rub off on me.."
Today just feels heavy and emotional. I have to remember this isn't real. My hormones are going through a dip and twist because of the birth control pill. I will not always feel like this. I feel blah, isolated and hungry. I pray to snap out of this..soon! I am going to yoga in an hour -- really hoping that is the pick me up I need.
For now, we are going with the guidance and opinion of the 4th fertility doctor we have seen. He is by far the nicest and most down to earth. If I can just keep my doubts on trusting anyone at bay, I know this will work. He has directed me to take the pill for a month to get my ovaries in check and to get a normal period. I haven't had a normal period since one month after my surgery, and have not had a regular cycle at all. I have faith by taking the pill this month with Glumetza that I will have a normal and full flow period, allowing us to move on!!
Moving on to baby making for us is to do injectables with an iui. I am not sure how this will work with travel, but I will have faith and the let the plan unravel before me. On this one, I only have so much control. My intention is to release that control and to allow myself to feel joy that is trying to come in.
I will be away for training for my new job- so hopefully my body and mind are full of other thoughts, allowing my body to just leg go and be healthy on its own.
As I go to my yoga class this afternoon...my intentions are as folllows -- letting go of control and being welcome and open to joy and fertility!!!