I can remember a time this last September when Scott and I were sitting in a train station cafe in Reims, France sipping on cappuccinos and literally falling asleep on each other in the over sized chairs. The sun was shining and the train station was busy, but it felt so peaceful to us. We had just been through the most chaotic day of being lost, almost missing our train out of Paris, being dumped in the middle of the countryside on our 2nd day in France and then battling blisters after touring Champagne houses in bad shoes from our luggage not showing up the day before. But somehow, outside of the language barrier and our 2 hour wait to get back to France, we had each other, and there was enough peace to just sleep. I remember thinking, I could be anywhere, anytime with this man and be o.k. We are the lucky ones. And now, as we face the decision of going to IVF, we need each other more than ever. This is exciting and encouraging, knowing that we are close to the prize: taking a healthy and bouncing baby home. But it's scary and weird, not knowing what we are getting into and not knowing how we got here.
I embarrassed to say we met with our 3rd fertility doctor today. However, I feel like God really led us to him and even though we had some obstacles and detours, I am ready to trust him. I think this has been important for me. I haven't been ready to trust and give up control, and now that I have worked on myself and figured out that all the stress and effort I have been putting into "solving it myself" has just left me feeling like a failure, frustrated and not any closer to being pregnant than I was two years ago.
What seemed like an innocent experience with taking Clomid in October of 2008 has turned into a whirlwind of acupuncture and natural attempts, more Clomid, Femera and more Femera, and even more blood tests, ultrasounds, and eventually a surgery and Metformin.PCOS has become my identity in many ways. I have become obsessed with fixing myself through taking all the right vitamins, medicine and eating the perfect diet. I have been wanting to blame myself for so long, and to just do better and make it happen. If I could only remember that I can only do so much, I would be a lot better off.
Which is my intention as we stare IVF in the face. My first commitment is NO Internet searching. This will be hard for me. However, most questions I have can be answered by the handful of people I know that have been through IVF or by the nurses and doctor we are deciding to trust. The Internet is toxic for me!!
Next commitment is to trust God's plan. He led us to Dr. Gentry and know I will trust him to guide us through. Of course I am worried about the money, the side effects, the time commitment with my new job and the risk of failure. But my hope is to wake up everyday just open to the plan, letting the positive in, negative out.
So for today, we are ready to be patients of the game. We don't know how to play yet, but we are committed and ready. I am excited and am ready for the new chapter. Next step - IVF Conference March 17th! For now, prayers that we have the funding worked out....