Monday, March 8, 2010

My name is Kristin, and I'm infertile...

A support group just makes you feel like life got weird. The idea of being in a room with stranger, with people you don't even know, just makes you feel uncomfortable. I mean, what could you have in common???

Well, I will tell you what you could have in common. Tonight, at my first Resolve meeting, I found that I have quite a bit in common with 5 other women and 1 man that I've never met. We all want and don't have. We all feel sad, mad and cheated. But we all have hope, and we know we do, because we are here.

The 2 hours I spent here really got to a good way. It came easy to me to listen to all the stories, to digest them without judging -because I really understood. And it felt so good and comfortable to share openly, because I knew they got me too.

The room was dynamic, and God had worked to plop us all in this same room at St. Lukes (ironically the church we were married in). There may have been some f-bombs in the house of The Lord..but I think he understood tonight.

We had the adorable woman and man couple that came in the room emotional and shared their story first. They are nearing the age of no return - 40 - and they are fighting off the guilt of not wanting to go to every adoption party or birthday parties for their friends kids. She cried because they were on a break, and it was breaking her heart. Her husband, sat beside her, her biggest fan, not even phased he is at a woman's support group.They will make wonderful parents, and I pray they are blessed more than they expect.

Next was a girl around my age. She is eating her dinner and sits next to me. I wasn't sure if she was going to be real warm or fuzzy, but she had a story too, and even if she isn't warm and fuzzy, she is in our boat. I like her after she got talking. She seemed patient and seemed to be open to her path. Her husband had male factor and she has poor egg quality. I can't help but say a prayer my eggs are in good quality. I can't help it. I hope to myself that her and myself can use our own eggs.

A 30 year old cute blonde girl that I can't figure out. She has normal periods and her husband has borderline problems. He has had 7 semen tests and she has had 2 laparscopic procedures in 6 months (one was enough for me - man!).
They gave up for now. She said they want to do IVF but can't afford it. Can I afford it? I don't know. We have seen the same Dr. -- she tell me Jarrett raised his IVF rates and that you have to pay all up front. Ouch. I like her - she's funny and sighs for people's sad stories. I don't know if she will be back next time, but I hope she is. I think I could be friends with her.

The most tragic story of the night. A 46 year old woman that has never been married or pregnant. She is grieving the loss of her fertility. Wow. I feel a punch in the stomach. She has not enough money to go to doctors or to adopt. She is literally watching her fertility go as menopause is imminent. We all tear up. I hate this for her. She has a gentle nice spirit that really touched me. I wanted to hug her but she left quick at the end. I hope I see her again. I really hope she gets to be somebody's mother figure. She would be a good mom. This one is hard to understand.

The leader -- the fearless leader came in with hope for all of us. Ironic that most of the group was new and that she had just taken over leading in the last year because the leader became pregnant. Now, as she told her story, I could start to tell that her story was one with an ending. This brought me major hope because she has PCOS like me..and she didn't do IVF! Maybe I don't have to. I am happy she is pregnant. She is sooo nervous and afraid that the fragile life inside of her won't stay real. I pray that she has twins and that is double blessed.

And me... It was easy to share my story! We talked about PCOS and about how hard it is to find a Dr. you can trust. I go through my laundry list of doctors and decisions. The best thing ever happened. After my verbal vomit, I looked around and I didn't get one blank look. I didn't get one "it will work out" or "just stop trying". And I didn't get an opinion. I got understanding. It's all I had needed. For tonight, my cup is full. Maybe my problems aren't gone, nor are all my questions answered, but I know these people were all put in my path for a reason. I am at peace tonight with what is to be...but Dear God, I really need some help with baby steps..please guide me to the right Dr. and help me to know that it is right. I just can't do it alone!

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