It's a beautiful, sunny and warm spring Monday afternoon. In the years past, a day like this would push me to motivation in my work, leave me hungry for a good run or bike late in the afternoon either followed by cold beers with friends or a dinner on the grill with my husband. Today, as I sit in my casual running clothes in my sunroom looking out at all that spring offers - green, lush and blooming fertile trees - I can't help but feel like it's cold, snowy and like an infertile winter inside of me.
I'm not sure if my ovaries will bloom and produce flower like the tulips lacing the mulch beds in my neighborhood. I don't know if my condition, called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or whatever "it" is... is real and eating away in my body like the doctors say. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to understand it. Worst of all, I don't know how to cry it out and move on.
I need help.
Oh, but wait. I've seeked out help. I've read chat rooms, visited blogs, scannned medical websites on fertility and talked to my friend about her cousin's sister's friend who had PCOS but is now either pregnant or has a minivan full of babies. I've been through three OBGYN doctors - all with different opinions of my fertility and my chances to conceive. I've been to three acupuncuturists. I've been to an emotional polarity healer. I've been to a psychatriast. I've been to a family doctor specializing in alternative health. I've been to a good old American Westerner practicing family medicine for the past 40 years. I've even been counseled by an essential oil consultant. They all can help. They all have the answers, the poke, the perfect blood test, the perfect pill.
So why am I not better?
I have been told that my periods will return within a year, it takes that long for the pill to get out of your system - just take prenatals and wait. I have been told I have a disconnect in my hormones and that my body is no place that is ready for a baby incubator. I have been told my stress levels are too high, I'm too anxious and that if I practice yoga and breathe in ylang-ylang, my chances of conceiving and achieving peace will be greater. Better yet, my pituatry gland and hypothalamus need fixed. But don't forget about my left ovary that is double the size of the right, showing I have PCOS. I have been told it is my diet - avoid sugar and alcohol. I've been told it's leaky gut. I have been told "it's out of your hands".
So, like any normal woman pumped full of artificial progestin, rounds of clomid and clogged ovaries - how do I react to these answers? I've tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I've tried to drive this bus and then I've tried to let go, praying God will just magically lift it off my chest, off my back and off my uterus.
Not to mention, I've attempted the diet of mixing protein with carb. The diet of no dairy, sugar or wheat. The diet of no fruit with food. Enzymes before meals. Eating slowly. I've peed on ovulation sticks (who knew, they say I am always ovulating...hmm..maybe I'll pee on them more to feel better). I've been poked with acupuncture needles, endured pressure point massages, layed under heat lamps over my uterus, drained enough blood for a vampire Thanksgiving and talked enough about all of this to go into system overdrive.
But here I am, sitting inside afraid to even approach the day because I can't concentrate on my work. I have too much on my plate to think about. Besides, I should be doing something bigger than a sales job - I have big entrepreunal plans that God wants me to follow. Problem is, I don't have the drive or clarity to follow it. I see it, but there is a bunch of water and no bridge to get there. But I know I want it, I taste it everyday, but I can't swallow it. Stuck here trying to figure it out. Like a stray dog that just wants a master so they can be loyal, be dedicated, work hard and stay proud. Also known as, A Purpose.
Yes. It has happened and it is happening. I am crashing like a cheap laptop computer.
Where from here?
It's time to be fair to my baby. See, although he or she isn't here yet - I believe it in the Bible when it says, I knew you before you were conceived, I weaved you in the womb (Ok - not exact wording....but it's close) I choose to believe God has plans for me, for our marriage, for our children. So, I already love this little pumpkin pie and can almost hear our house full of baby cries and poops. And it's because of this baby that I need to be healthy.
Health. The Road to get there is under construction for me... but will be a beautiful, well enginereed round about of smooth roads, lush trees in the median and happy travelers driving shiny cars once it's done.
I am going to allow God to speak to me. I am going to listen. I am going to wake up each day knowing that it gets easier with every morning. I am going to remember that even though this year has been pretty bad, that compared to many others, I have had a year full of joy, a great husband and a wonderful support system from my family and friends.
Most of all, even though it feels like this semitruck is headed down a mountain with no brakes, I am committed to loosening my white knuckle grip to a more relaxed 10 and 2 position. I am going to listen to my doctors, digest their opinion and go with one. Fixing myself as I go.
I will simplify by not trying to solve all the world problems in one day.
I have to take one thing at a time.
I am not in the right frame of mind to leave a secure job with a paycheck and company car to risk my days on a business driven by passion and love. I can't go cold turkey on life's little pleasures like frozen yogurt once a week or a glass of Pino with my husband. I can't make a million dollars in one day. I can't guarentee health for my precious loved ones. I can't see and touch the face of God like I summited a mountain. I can't force myself to believe things I don't. I can't put myself in someone else's shoes, nor may I try to strut in theirs. No - none of these things have achieved my desired outcomes. So why would I keep doing them?
Here's what I can do. I can crowd out all the BAD, UGLY thoughts that run in my head like 4 black yucky hampsters on a wheel. I can fill them with light, fluffy thoughts like dandelion fuzz blowing in the wind. AHHHH, yes, a dandelion in the spring - isn't there where I want to be? Fertile, lush, full of hope, warm, joyous and enveloped with peace. That's the place I pray to be. I have a funny feeling that it's inside me, not inside a medicine cabinet or at the tip of an acupuncture needle.
Here's what I CAN do....
Love life. Soak in the sun on my face. SIMPLIFY. Love my darling, wonderful husband for all that he is, and more importantly, for what he isn't. Love and Listen to God - and mean it. Kiss my nieces and nephews. Call my parents. Spend time with family and friends and get to know them - ask them questions other than what are you doing this weekend. Sing loud at church and get over that you have a bad voice. Go to work each day, work hard and enjoy it - I'm lucky to have a job. My dreams, ambition and drive will be waiting at the finish line for me when I earn it. BREATH. Say YES more and NO in moderation. Eat organic and healthy meals that nourish my body and soul. Take my vitamins. Drink Water. ENJOY in moderation, PEACE in abundance. Trust. Believe. Carry Hope.
For today, Monday May 11th 2009, a day after Mother's Day - this is all I can do to be fertile, to be one step closer to peace. So for today, this is what I will do.
(Deep breath here...)