Numb

Numb is how I feel. \My Doctor just called me, which is impressive but all too dramatic in itself to expect any good news. If it were a nurse calling, it may have been that they were calling to say, "Oh, we're so sorry, we made a terrible mistake. This morning your ultrasound was beautiful and it looks like you ovulating so much that making a baby should be easy tonight"

But it was the doctor. After my ovary ultrasound this morning showing NO MATURE FOLLICLES (as the words stated clearly on the tv screen as the ultrasound tech typed it in the notes of my ultrasound) occured, I left with no hope. I don't like to say that or even think like that. Deep down I do have hope, I know that it is true that God will bless us when it's time, but I'm sick of hearing that. I'm sick of trying to understand that.

I guess I'm lucky to have a doctor that is not throwing me all over the place with Clomid, telling me to do one more round here, add one more thing there. However, hearing the words, I would like to refer you to a specialist is not always the most desirable of words on a rainy Friday morning.

So here I am. I am stuck between jumping on the bandwagon that thousands, probably millions, of couples jump on every year. The option of injectables, more drugs, more pokes, more ultrasounds within the white walls of an infertility clinic OR the option of trying to fix myself naturally and restore the youth of my ovaries and my hormones. Question is, what am I supposed to do?

Can I do both? I don't know...for now I will just work on what I can, be sad for today and pray that clarity comes to me like a brick being dropped on my head.