But the benefits are so good that I will never quit..
The smell of baby. Dark eyes looking right at you. The innocent trust they have in you & they way they cuddle on your chest. They way they need you and only you.
I just wanted to sit down & record what has been going on around here..it is already going so fast, and with each day we get smarter, and with each day, my heart feels happy but a little sad that I know they won't be like this forever. I want to remember every bit!
--Sights, Smells & Sounds
the smell of my babies - i could sit and inhale the way their hair and face smells, even when it has a hint of spit up. the way their dark eyes are so innocent & trusting when they look at me and actually start to focus. the hiccups, the coos when they are eating, the mmms when they are stretching and even the burps, farts and blowouts you celebrate. the open mouth "o" shape and rooting with tired, sleepy eyes. the wiggles and scrunchy faces as they get hungry. their tiny little bodies moving so strongly that i would never guess they were preemie. happy paci sucking in the middle of the night. sucking and swallowing and the gasp for air when they are feeding their belly. spppats of tiny lips. grunts. and even cries..(learning every day who belongs to what cry). especially the little noises and grunts and stretches they make when they all lay on a blanket together and try to figure out just where they are & what is going on.
silky soft face, butt cheeks, legs, ears, arms...everything baby. the way a naked baby feels on my chest. the cuddles under our necks because they can't get close enough. the way they find their hand and reach up to your face. the way their hands go straight up when laying on my chest and how their little fingers scratch my chest. the soft hair and little head resting on me as i burp them.
figuring out that humming or "shhhing" in their ear when they are crying during a cold diaper change will calm them down immediately. getting them swaddled just right (all 3 differently and all by daddy) so they will fall asleep. getting to the pediatrician and back, 4 times in the first 11 days of life, in snow & ice and freezing cold. all getting to or above birth weight in 11 days. making it through every night. doing one feeding by myself. loving 3 babies and feeling like they all get equally held, loved, fed and smooched on at the end of the day. getting a schedule.. and then watching it all change the next day. the babies have had their first achievements too..focusing eyes & making eye contact, finishing a whole bottle, taking a bath and having tummy time and lifting their little heads completely off the floor! And of course, getting cuter and a little more chubby everyday.
Lots. Tears of happiness, sadness, nervousness, anxiety, pride, feeling terrified, and of complete bliss. leaving the hospital the last night & walking through the NICU one last time after the car seat test and seeing all the tiny babies in warmers, on oxygen,etc and feeling so blessed beyond belief we didn't have to do that path. crying in the shower because you are so tired and sore and nervous you can't do one more hour. crying because i look down and see a sleepy baby nursing. sad the umbilical cord falls off. offended Scott doesn't notice I have pre-pregnancy clothes on and I did my makeup. complete break down of feeling selfish, scared and totally afraid of raising three babies at once. the next morning feeling so overwhelmingly blessed that I can't stop crying. while dumping old bottles, i dump a whole bottle of pumped milk. chasing breast milk into my rolls from pregnancy because i can't lose another drop. and really, tears just because.
What to do with an hour?? Sleep, Shower or Eat? (Always sleep) the choice to always go pick Quinn up when he fusses like clockwork after the 10 pm feeding when we all try to "go to bed" as a family. that boy has mama wrapped around his finger, and maybe i made a bad choice of rocking him to sleep..but i don't care.. the choice to keep breast feeding or to do what is easy -- something I think about every day (not ready to give up yet, but feel like I am constantly rushing through everything..and if it comes down to missing out on my babies because i am always with my pump, i will choose my babies. for now, work in progress...) the choice to relax & believe God has his hand in on keeping my babies safe (and breathing through the night) or the choice to worry until my stomach hurts.. (again another work in progress)..
a shower with candles & Sheryl Crow. cat naps. finally sleeping through a feeding and letting go of control for 3 hours. going to Target & BabiesRUs with Scott and feeling like we are parents. going to Target ALONE for the 1st time & feeling like a member of society & walking around feeling like a mommy. feeling rested so I am the best and most present mommy I can be. not reading any books on breast feeding or listening to people tell me I can't do it. just doing what seems like instinct with formula & breast feeding, sleeping and holding and cuddling babies. cheer leading and help from friends and family..big thanks to my mom & dad & uncle Brad from Hawaii this week, without them, we couldn't have survived all these feedings, changings and loving on 3 babies. (It's also priceless to hear 2 grown men talk about what they should chart for each feeding in the binder... "did Gracie poo-poo?" And forgiving ourselves for sleeping through the alarm for the 4 am feeding and for just not always knowing, in general.
of course most thankful God has given us 3 very perfect, healthy & beautiful babies. we are blessed beyond belief & I am reminded every day that this is a gift, not something we can take for granted. the middle of the night is hard, but I am thankful our babies are healthy and happy to need us to feed them, change them & just love them...they don't ask for much more. and as mentioned, we are so very thankful for the love, time & support from the people who have stayed with us & helped with everything from middle of the night feedings to things as small but very important as keeping bottles clean. Brad and my mom & dad have been life savers & what a bond they get with our babies.
Some pictures of our 1st 2 weeks!
|Our 1st Christmas|
|Harper has a secret for Quinn|
|With Grandma & Grandpa on Christmas Eve|
|My favorite thing in the world! Gracie on mamas chest|
|Harpers 1st bath..feels good|
|Gracie's first bath .. brrr|
|Quinn's 1st bath..not sure yet|
|We love Daddy's chest|
|A rare moment..Uncle Brad captured a moment that we are all asleep|
|Quinn, my handsome little man|
|Gracie, my beautiful little girl|
|Harper, my pretty little peanut|