Mandolin Rain... Washing away the Yeast in my Body

There is absolutely no rhyme or reason that I have named this post Mandolin Rain other than that for the last few weeks I have been hearing this song at random times in random places, while at other times, I will just crave hearing it and start humming it to myself. No reason, just makes me happy - sometimes it really is the little things that get you through. 

Today is a day that I need Mandolin Rain to wash me away again...

It started at 6 am when the alarm went off too early, which led me to snooze a half hour longer, which meant that I would be doing the ponytail look, which meant I would have those awesome curls of half grown hair curling around my face all day.  (I get those curly baby hairs so bad that the word baby shouldn't be used, it's too cute to describe the way they look - my husband has named them "Shirley" like Shirley Curly..cute, I know). Anyways, back to the day...

This is the 2nd day of my Candida Yeast Cleanse, which my wonderful husband has committed to doing alongside me. It's not easy - in fact, right now, I feel like puking...kind of like I already did this morning. So, poor choice to only have a protein shake (allowed on my cleanse - yes! Serves as a milkshake!) before going to have a balloon inserted up my cervix into my uterus followed by some weird die injected into my fallopian tubes. Poor choice to NOT follow the nurses recommendations of taking 800 mg Ibuprofen. Poor choice to even do this HSG...because I knew, I just knew - it's not my plumbing. 

But I did it anyways. I got in my gown, waited on the radiologist table, watched them suit up in astronaut looking suits and then surrendered all and posted my legs into the almighty stir-ups. Who doesn't love stir ups on a humid June morning? I got the normal, "you will feel my hand, now the speculum..." that you do during your annual date with your gyny...only this time, it wasn't "slight crampy feeling" followed by the ooey goey sensation of leftover ky. This time, the speculum turned into a balloon being crammed up the cervix towards my poor little uterus (which really is small - never knew!) and then twisty feelings like men marching in the forest trying to find their way back home. And then the dye. I think the dye is where it went all wrong. I instantly had to poop, and no, not the menstrual type of cramp that you mistake for a poop pain, poop, and large amounts of it, coming out like a turtle head. My temp shot up about 10 degrees and vomit started going up my throat. I barely remember Dr. M coming around the table to explain what just happened. 

I will say, it's cool to watch dye spread through your tubes, especially when you see that the channel of love is flowing free and open for business. Dr. M said, "Well, kiddo, you have a textbook tubes and uterus.." which was good to hear while I'm laying in my blue robe that opens in the front while staring at a screen that finally offered a positive outcome. But like I said, no surprise...I know it's my hormones. Those damn hormones...

So, hopefully this cleanse will help. Who knows? But in the words of Dr. M, "Can't Hurt, Might Help", I am trying. I figure the worst thing that happens is that I clear out some of that gunk, sugar and crap that I love to shove in those intestines, and the best thing that could happen would be that my body says, Ok! Now we can give you some ovaries that know how to get it done! 

So, 14 more days of this...14 days of high protein, nuts, beans and veggies and terrible empty, unsatisfied feelings of yuckiness. Over 16 pills a day, drops of silver in my mouth and shots of disgusting fiber...

Can I/We do it??? Stay tuned...meals are going to have to get real creative at this point, or there may just be some serious crashing at the Hackman house..

In the Garden

In my attempt to do 101 things to not get pregnant, I am shifting focus from obsessing over my body, cycles and possible options to get in working order. So, one of these things that I have stumbled upon is gardening. Dorky, maybe - but relaxing, yes. I think about it during the day and can't wait to get home and work on these flowers that I get to love, water and nurse back to health if they start to get a little wilted from too much sun. Perhaps this is good practice for me - if I can keep these alive, I can do anything. 

My grip is becoming a little less tight everyday. I trust our RE, and he and his staff are so good at delivering a clear plan to us, while making sure we understand every little detail. 

So, as it stands, I started my period 5 days after my progesterone shots in my butt (ouch by the way), which came full force like one of my old normal periods...back when I had them. It came on with a little bloating, sensitive teeth, hunger and that stabbing headache that I always used to get the first day of my period. I had cramps all day. I bleed like a paper cut all day, and I loved it. It feels so good to have a full, normal period. I contribute this period to being more of a period to not only the shots, but the acupuncture. I think the combination of the work on my hormones and the switch the natural progesterone versus the very artificial pills of Provera (which is progestin --- NOT to be confused with progesterone which is what our body makes and needs naturally) really worked for me. So, first step in the right direction - something I am responding to! Which is really all this game is about, fitting your puzzle pieces in the right puzzle. 

So, next step - CD 3 blood test to see what my hormones do and then do Femora CD 3-7. I guess Femora works similar to Clomid - but is, of course an off label use. I am going to try it and not over analyze it. I know it's going against my wishes for au natural, but I'm trusting Dr. M and keeping up with the diet efforts, supplements and acupuncture and shutting my eyes and hoping for the best. 

After Femora, time to buy some good ovulation sticks (although my past experiences are not very inviting) and see what the cards hold for us this month. 

Until then...I will be in the garden in my free time.... 

Under Pressure

So, there are studies that show that acupuncture helps everything from headaches to allergies to infertility and smoking cessation. There are also many people, probably some people that have a name followed by a big M.D., that will tell you nonsense, it probably can't truly help. And then there are the grey areas...the people that think, maybe - just maybe, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. (No pun intended)

When it comes to infertility and acupunctures (and I've tried 3 different Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctors, so I know the ins and outs of this stuff) I tend to fall somewhere in the middle, leaning towards a strong, definitive yes..especially on days where I have one of those amazing acupuncture induced naps, which happens to be today! I think about it like my faith and my relationship with God. I believe, and deep down I know it's true...and I choose to believe and grow my faith because I just do. And when you die, if this religion thing ｉｓ　ａｌｌ　ａ　ｌｉｅ（ｗｈｉｃｈ　Ｉknow it's not) , then what did I waste by believing in and worshiping God. Nothing. I absolutely only gained. I gained living a good life, doing good things for others, striving to love like Jesus did and having faith when the going gets rough, tough get praying. So, although much less of a spiritual and moral topic, I believe acupuncture helps. Even if it doesn't, I know it's doing something good. So, as I work to simplify my mind full of decisions, paths to pregnancy and crazy hormone surges - I will make this decision and stick with it. Besides, as Dr. M, my newly appointed reproductive endocrinologist says, "Can't Help, May Hurt." Ok, that's good enough for a pat on the back from him, I'll take it.

Another Crossroads

So, what did our ancestors do without the internet, tv or blackberry? Not to sound like I am so dependent on these wireless devices and in home online shopping…but I sort of am. My laptop has crashed and all I have is my work computer I lugged home only to remember we don’t know how to get into our very secure wireless network from any other computer than…the computer that will never boot up again. Oh my….a lesson in depending on technology.

So, here I sit in our loft upstairs that I think I have only really “used” 3 or 4 times typing on this Think Pad. What is on my mind today? Well, on my mind today is to try to stick to my plan of a CLEAR head. It is so easy to get distracted from that simple goal! The second I think I am simplifying I turn around to see that Dr. Yang, my acupuncturist now wants me to take 2 different herbs – 3 pills, 3 times a day – mind you, out of a bottle in mandarin Chinese, so it could be cow manure for all I know … accompanied by avoiding anything and everything cold , even leaving my hair wet after a shower(bad for the female system as she puts it so eloquently – I’m not sure if she means my vagina or my fallopian tubes ) followed up by herbal patches that are cut into little squares scattered over different pressure points on the body. Oh yeah, temperature! Must take every morning – hard to do when peeing, shower and a bowl of oats always hits my temple first. OK – I think when I leave my appointments. Ok, I can do this. Simple enough…by the way, what a great nap I get on that massage type of table while long skinny needles protrude into my “points” as I listen to relaxing music with rain and birds like you would hear in a cheap Chinese restaurant that is trying to be a 5 star swanky joint.

I could do Dr. Yang’s directions. But can I do them AND do Dr. Rossetti’s…and be excited to see a fertility specialist this week? How do I get myself back here? Ah! I can say…I have come a LONG way since day the walls closed in, but this surely isn’t making life simple when Dr. Rossetti (my naturopathic doctor) tells me to do a Candida cleanse and to give up animal protein since my blood is A positive. Ok..so what is a Candida cleanse. It’s a $70 box of pills and enzymes that I take for 2 weeks followed by 8 pills of some sort of yeast, healthy bacteria-ish thing (sounds like spinal bifida when pronounced in my memory) alongside a VERY strict and VERY limiting diet. NO fruit, NO yeast or wheat, NO fungi (I love mushrooms, ah!) and basically anything and everything else. Of course now that I know my blood runs like a river of A positive vegetarian loving blood, that eliminates meat. Red wine and the new big cold bottles of Fat Tire would be laughed at by the Candida Cleanse police. Dr. Rossetti says the yeast problem I have really should be a shared cleanse with hubby – which is another funny joke in the Hackman house. I simply can’t make the hubs do one more fang dangled diet or pill party – nop, he will laugh and tell me get real. (Which I understand, I am thinking to myself about right now, “Self, You are Crazy.”) So apparently this yeasty configuration in my body (and supposedly my husband’s) lives in and around the warm, soft likes of the penis shaft. So, yes, indeed, if I cleanse myself and he doesn’t, we will simply pass yeast. Hmm…how attractive.

So, I have some decisions to make. Will I forge on fixing PCOS with Dr. Rossetti, the supernatural Naturopathic Dr. with a cape to come and save me from the villains of yeast in my body?! Or will I lay my body down to be manipulated and brought back to my healthy state of Qi (pronounced chi) by Dr. Yang and her ancient Chinese ways? Or, will this fertility specialist dude that doesn’t even know what has hit him yet help me find my way back to the path of being a normal girl just trying to have a baby.
Well, I guess another day has gone by that I didn’t solve world hunger, nor did I solve the much lighter issue of my body and its plumbing. On the bright side, I get to go downstairs and lay next to my loving and sweet husband that just got out of the shower and smells like green apples from his shampoo … and work on that baby making thing…

PCOS

This article from my RE's website is one of the most helpful snapshots of how to treat fertility with medicine...not saying this is the only or best way - but an interesting sneak peek into what they have accomplished.

http://www.jarrettfertility.com/pcds.html

13.1

13.1

To be fair, I don’t always feel like a recluse and bitter angry barren woman. In fact, I have felt pretty good lately. Possibly this idea of “happening for a reason” isn’t the same sort of urban legend like the one where you tell a bride it’s good luck if it rains on her wedding day. What in the world? Luck or not, no bride wants flat hair, puddles and mud on their dress. However, I’m starting to learn that this baby obstacle course is really working in my favor. I’m really excited that it has made me stop to not only smell the roses, but to learn a little bit about my body, my mind, my spirit, my strength and of course, my weaknesses. Nobody wants to feel out of control, but for a control freak on steroids, this little detour to get to motherhood may be just what I need.
Take for example the 13.1 miles I ran with ease last week. I finished with a smile on my face thinking, bring on more, I could sprint 5 more miles if I wanted to. What felt so good about that race was that I didn’t train for 4 months, or even 1 month. I got out and ran two weeks prior and then got my butt to the start line at 7:30 am on an overcast spring day in Indiana and ran my bones around the Geist Reservoir in 2 hours and 20 minutes. Ok, so not a record time, but for me, it was a hell of a victory. It proved to me and reminded me that I am not such a victim of my body’s ill fate. I have a heart that beats strong, legs that carry me, a mind that got my through the race laced with a faith that I now know can’t be broken.
So, maybe I’m not so broken. Maybe I’m just a little off…but here is where I am…for now. And for now doesn’t ALWAYS feel so bad. (Talk to me in 5 days, the weather may change)

Numb

Numb is how I feel. \My Doctor just called me, which is impressive but all too dramatic in itself to expect any good news. If it were a nurse calling, it may have been that they were calling to say, "Oh, we're so sorry, we made a terrible mistake. This morning your ultrasound was beautiful and it looks like you ovulating so much that making a baby should be easy tonight"

But it was the doctor. After my ovary ultrasound this morning showing NO MATURE FOLLICLES (as the words stated clearly on the tv screen as the ultrasound tech typed it in the notes of my ultrasound) occured, I left with no hope. I don't like to say that or even think like that. Deep down I do have hope, I know that it is true that God will bless us when it's time, but I'm sick of hearing that. I'm sick of trying to understand that.

I guess I'm lucky to have a doctor that is not throwing me all over the place with Clomid, telling me to do one more round here, add one more thing there. However, hearing the words, I would like to refer you to a specialist is not always the most desirable of words on a rainy Friday morning.

So here I am. I am stuck between jumping on the bandwagon that thousands, probably millions, of couples jump on every year. The option of injectables, more drugs, more pokes, more ultrasounds within the white walls of an infertility clinic OR the option of trying to fix myself naturally and restore the youth of my ovaries and my hormones. Question is, what am I supposed to do?

Can I do both? I don't know...for now I will just work on what I can, be sad for today and pray that clarity comes to me like a brick being dropped on my head.

MY BODY, MY FAULT - OR SO IT SEEMS

This Tuesday was an exceptionally good day to start my path to simplicity and health. It’s sunny and blue and feels like a spring day that makes you want to just sit on a park bench.
I met with a naturopathic doctor ( I know, add it to my list of doctors…), but this visit was good. It was just my style – she didn’t rush me, had a flat fee for the hour so I wasn’t worried about the $2000 tab I was running up while asking about what ir-reversable damage has been done to my body with all of the stress and ovulation inducing drugs I’ve pumped in my body and she listened. But most importantly, she looked at me after reviewing 3 pages of information about my diet, exercise schedule, irregular periods, attempts to get pregnant, messed up hormones and issues with anxiety that I will never be normal again, and said, “What do you want to do?” (Should I mention she touched on the subject of ADHD…whatever could she mean?)
Well, simply put, I thought to myself, I want to be healthy. I want to be a mommy. I want to feel like myself. So, with that, the decision was made, I’m fixing me first. Baby steps to get a baby.
What did I find out? I found out that everyone around me, including myself, sees a healthy woman that does just about everything right. Ok, so I just gave up caffeine and I love my red wine on occasion still, but really, I am pretty healthy compared to the Jerry Springer bleach blonde bimbos getting pregnant everyday by just looking at their boyfriend. I eat oatmeal every morning. I do pilates or yoga almost everday, sometimes both. I run, lift weights and play in a softball league. I eat salad every day. I take my vitamins every day. I’m not overweight and the stress I do have should be managed by the yoga, right? So..I’m healthy by most standards. But what is shocking to me and so many others, something is really off. And this something is dark and looming and I can feel it in my body like that black substance that floats around the island on Lost episodes. But what is it? How do I get to the bottom.

Here’s how. I will let this naturapatic doctor that talks about not owning a microwave due to it stealing food’s enzymes, guide me on MY OWN natural path to health. Something that will be all mine once I arrive.

First goal - a period. Yes –a period that my own internal clock tips off like a ticking time bomb instead of that fake progestin fooling my ovaries into thinking they even needed to flush out my uterus. I want a bright red, soaks through a tampon onto my panties and into my favorite jeans kind of period. Give me cramps, that is fine too. In fact, I’ll take that awful bloat leading up to the period and will gladly host the headache that creeps over your eyes the first day you bleed. I will cancel all my plans and stay under the sheets and will tell everyone I know, “Sorry, can’t make it…on my period, you know…”

With this goal at first glance to me seems like I am putting baby on hold. If it takes me three months to get a period, what if it takes me three more months to get pregnant? Well, when the rational, scared self talks to the calm and healthy self, I am going to promptly dampen the logical self that wants to get pregnant NOW, NOW NOW and remind him that if mama ain’t healthy, most likely , baby ain’t healthy.

So – I left the office with my instructions and nutritional guides. Off to do what I can do. First stop, protein shakes…

It's a beautiful, sunny and warm spring Monday afternoon. In the years past, a day like this would push me to motivation in my work, leave me hungry for a good run or bike late in the afternoon either followed by cold beers with friends or a dinner on the grill with my husband. Today, as I sit in my casual running clothes in my sunroom looking out at all that spring offers - green, lush and blooming fertile trees - I can't help but feel like it's cold, snowy and like an infertile winter inside of me.

I'm not sure if my ovaries will bloom and produce flower like the tulips lacing the mulch beds in my neighborhood. I don't know if my condition, called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or whatever "it" is... is real and eating away in my body like the doctors say. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to understand it. Worst of all, I don't know how to cry it out and move on.

I need help.

Oh, but wait. I've seeked out help. I've read chat rooms, visited blogs, scannned medical websites on fertility and talked to my friend about her cousin's sister's friend who had PCOS but is now either pregnant or has a minivan full of babies. I've been through three OBGYN doctors - all with different opinions of my fertility and my chances to conceive. I've been to three acupuncuturists. I've been to an emotional polarity healer. I've been to a psychatriast. I've been to a family doctor specializing in alternative health. I've been to a good old American Westerner practicing family medicine for the past 40 years. I've even been counseled by an essential oil consultant. They all can help. They all have the answers, the poke, the perfect blood test, the perfect pill.

So why am I not better?

I have been told that my periods will return within a year, it takes that long for the pill to get out of your system - just take prenatals and wait. I have been told I have a disconnect in my hormones and that my body is no place that is ready for a baby incubator. I have been told my stress levels are too high, I'm too anxious and that if I practice yoga and breathe in ylang-ylang, my chances of conceiving and achieving peace will be greater. Better yet, my pituatry gland and hypothalamus need fixed. But don't forget about my left ovary that is double the size of the right, showing I have PCOS. I have been told it is my diet - avoid sugar and alcohol. I've been told it's leaky gut. I have been told "it's out of your hands".

So, like any normal woman pumped full of artificial progestin, rounds of clomid and clogged ovaries - how do I react to these answers? I've tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I've tried to drive this bus and then I've tried to let go, praying God will just magically lift it off my chest, off my back and off my uterus.

Not to mention, I've attempted the diet of mixing protein with carb. The diet of no dairy, sugar or wheat. The diet of no fruit with food. Enzymes before meals. Eating slowly. I've peed on ovulation sticks (who knew, they say I am always ovulating...hmm..maybe I'll pee on them more to feel better). I've been poked with acupuncture needles, endured pressure point massages, layed under heat lamps over my uterus, drained enough blood for a vampire Thanksgiving and talked enough about all of this to go into system overdrive.


But here I am, sitting inside afraid to even approach the day because I can't concentrate on my work. I have too much on my plate to think about. Besides, I should be doing something bigger than a sales job - I have big entrepreunal plans that God wants me to follow. Problem is, I don't have the drive or clarity to follow it. I see it, but there is a bunch of water and no bridge to get there. But I know I want it, I taste it everyday, but I can't swallow it. Stuck here trying to figure it out. Like a stray dog that just wants a master so they can be loyal, be dedicated, work hard and stay proud. Also known as, A Purpose.

Yes. It has happened and it is happening. I am crashing like a cheap laptop computer.

Where from here?

It's time to be fair to my baby. See, although he or she isn't here yet - I believe it in the Bible when it says, I knew you before you were conceived, I weaved you in the womb (Ok - not exact wording....but it's close) I choose to believe God has plans for me, for our marriage, for our children. So, I already love this little pumpkin pie and can almost hear our house full of baby cries and poops. And it's because of this baby that I need to be healthy.

Health. The Road to get there is under construction for me... but will be a beautiful, well enginereed round about of smooth roads, lush trees in the median and happy travelers driving shiny cars once it's done.

I am going to allow God to speak to me. I am going to listen. I am going to wake up each day knowing that it gets easier with every morning. I am going to remember that even though this year has been pretty bad, that compared to many others, I have had a year full of joy, a great husband and a wonderful support system from my family and friends.

Most of all, even though it feels like this semitruck is headed down a mountain with no brakes, I am committed to loosening my white knuckle grip to a more relaxed 10 and 2 position. I am going to listen to my doctors, digest their opinion and go with one. Fixing myself as I go.

I will simplify by not trying to solve all the world problems in one day.

I have to take one thing at a time.

I am not in the right frame of mind to leave a secure job with a paycheck and company car to risk my days on a business driven by passion and love. I can't go cold turkey on life's little pleasures like frozen yogurt once a week or a glass of Pino with my husband. I can't make a million dollars in one day. I can't guarentee health for my precious loved ones. I can't see and touch the face of God like I summited a mountain. I can't force myself to believe things I don't. I can't put myself in someone else's shoes, nor may I try to strut in theirs. No - none of these things have achieved my desired outcomes. So why would I keep doing them?

Good Question.

Here's what I can do. I can crowd out all the BAD, UGLY thoughts that run in my head like 4 black yucky hampsters on a wheel. I can fill them with light, fluffy thoughts like dandelion fuzz blowing in the wind. AHHHH, yes, a dandelion in the spring - isn't there where I want to be? Fertile, lush, full of hope, warm, joyous and enveloped with peace. That's the place I pray to be. I have a funny feeling that it's inside me, not inside a medicine cabinet or at the tip of an acupuncture needle.

Here's what I CAN do....

Love life. Soak in the sun on my face. SIMPLIFY. Love my darling, wonderful husband for all that he is, and more importantly, for what he isn't. Love and Listen to God - and mean it. Kiss my nieces and nephews. Call my parents. Spend time with family and friends and get to know them - ask them questions other than what are you doing this weekend. Sing loud at church and get over that you have a bad voice. Go to work each day, work hard and enjoy it - I'm lucky to have a job. My dreams, ambition and drive will be waiting at the finish line for me when I earn it. BREATH. Say YES more and NO in moderation. Eat organic and healthy meals that nourish my body and soul. Take my vitamins. Drink Water. ENJOY in moderation, PEACE in abundance. Trust. Believe. Carry Hope.

For today, Monday May 11th 2009, a day after Mother's Day - this is all I can do to be fertile, to be one step closer to peace. So for today, this is what I will do.

(Deep breath here...)