A drug

I never knew how I would react to the first fever. I imagined I would freak out, cry and feel hopeless.

Instead of just a fever, we got a fever of 102, rapid breathing (very much distress) and a sad little Quinn that has been admitted to Clarion Hospital for bronchiolitis. I can't believe we are back at a hospital! All too familiar - being admitted, vitals, dry air and beeping all night. However, he is doing great & we are in the right place. We are waiting on the RSV swab and his lungs were clear in the x-ray. He is at 100% for oxygen saturation and eating decently and has wet diapers (in fact, in Quinn fashion, during a diaper change we got a fountain all over the floor - we celebrated). I miss my girls at home, but God has given me my mom adrenaline to be here and be present with Quinn. He is actually as happy as a clam - LOVES being in my arms all night and day (like I only put him down for an hour or so to sleep) and smiles & coos at me when he's up. He loves the breathing treatments and doesn't even cry. I just pray he keeps going in the right direction and that the girls don't get this like he has. Pretty certain they have been exposed, but some babies just respond differently.

I of course feel guilt for allowing this to happen and I'm not sure how it did. But I'm not freaking out and I'm not hopeless - another one of those God moments where I will look back and say, "How was I so calm?" I have treasured every moment and the life lessons I have had with my baby boy in the last 24 hours and am thankful he is going to be healthy again soon.

This morning I met yet another character in the book of our life  - his name is Bob and he is doing Quinn's breathing treatments. We were talking about babies and how it's crazy how much you can love them. He said something that is so true & that will always stick with me -He said, "When my babies were born, I just wanted them close to me right away & I couldn't get enough.  Those babies come out & they are like a drug - you just can't get enough."

How true it is, and although the drugs in Q's breathing treatments, I'm sure are helping him, I'm hoping I'm giving the best drug back to my little guy - my undivided cuddles & love....

Thank you for your prayers :)

Why triplets are like yoga..

-- In yoga, You must live in the present moment/action/pose - if you consider what is ahead, you may feel tired, overwhelmed and want to quit

 (mother translation = I'm feeding 3 babies and it's going really poorly, I can't believe I have to do it again, alone, in 3 hours OR by living in the present, you can think, ok my only job is to feed 3 babies in the next 20 minutes & its not so bad)

-- In yoga,You must, must, must tie breath to your movement

(mother translation = I am so busy and I don't think I have taken a breath all day. Wow, this is hard, ah.. inhale, exhale. That's better)

-- In yoga, No competition. ONE WILL BE FIRST, ONE WILL BE LAST 

(mother translation = Oh my goodness..why have two of them done "x,y,z" and the third one hasn't...)

-- In Yoga, Sometimes you sweat, sometimes you cry

(mother translation = none needed)

In Yoga, Sometimes you start and you don't know what to expect, sometimes it is great and sometimes it is terrible, but it always ends and you always go back because you love it 

(mother translation = climbing up the stairs and down the stairs  - you never know what is sandwiched in between - but it must be good, because everyday you forget the chaos and love the start of a new day)

-- In Yoga, Sometimes you want to compare yourself to others, it never ends well 

(mother translation = If I had a nickel for every time my thoughts drifted to.. "If I only had one I could have...")

-- In Yoga, Push yourself sometimes and sometimes listen and be gentle

(mother translation = Just because you have triplets you don't have to sit at home, take them to the mall sometimes. Stay home sometimes, just because you have triplets)

-- In Yoga, When you go with the flow, pick up energy from others and smile, its usually a good ride

(mother translation = When you feel negative, sorry for yourself or overwhelmed - stop and really stare at those babies. All three of them. Soak up the innocence, beauty and the way they really don't know any better, they are loved) 

A snapshot...

into the mind of a crazy woman = a mother of triplets, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend. Me. 


Today I just tried really hard to remember how we did it, and what we did around week 1. And week 4 and 6. And week 8. And week 11. And I couldn't remember. What were the babies doing? What was I doing? What was it like?


Since this may be the only newborns we ever have (yes, I said may..) I really want to soak this time up and remember it all and by writing it down, it forces me to live in the present. Which is an effort I choose to make everyday to keep my sanity. I can't speak about one newborn, but I can on mothering three. It is chaotic, it is stressful, it is scary, it is exciting, it is never boring, it is poopy (literally), it is a room full of six eyeballs looking at you with admiration, it is sleepless nights, it is missing your husband, it is loving your husband at 3 in the morning for being by your side, it is thankful grandma loves us, it is wanting to cry and you don't have time, it is being in love with three human beings that literally make the world a better place. It is moving from a crush to love in weeks. It is breath in my face, the sweet smell on their head, the soft velvety skin and the adrenaline that gets us through the sleepless nights. Its something warm running down your back while burping, again. It's getting peed on. It's I just file 30 nails yesterday, why are they waking up looking like Scarface? It's loving and hating the assembly line of bath night. It's three mouths to feed and three mouths to smile. It's wondering how they ever fit in your belly.  It's everyday. And it's starting to take form into a committed, never wavering love. Everyday that passes I wonder if my heart really could grow more. If I could feel more alive than I already do with more & more smiles? And mostly, why does my heart dance with joy and at the same time break with worry and inability to physically give and show as much as I feel or desire to give to each individual love of my life.  

It is difficult everyday to know if I'm doing enough. Am I engaging each baby enough? Did I say their name enough? Did they smile enough today? Are they happy? Do they like me? Do I like being a mommy? Of course I like being a mommy...but do they feel like I feel like I like it? Do they know when I hold their sibling and not them? Are they behind because I can't engage them enough? How will I get my hands on a Starbucks..I'm so tired. I'm so out of shape, I can't look in the mirror. I want to workout, but I don't want to leave them. I need to leave, I need time away. I can't leave, noone but me can feed 3 babies at once. The house is a mess. It doesn't matter, they won't be little forever. Oh no, they won't be little forever .. why would we ever let them "cry it out" - rock them, remember, they won't be little forever. But we can't rock them, there are 2 of us, 3 of them. My arms ache to hold them..I'm so hungry and tired, I can't hold them right now. I mourn breast feeding. My uterus feels like it was "loved and leaved" - I miss them in my belly. Wow, they fill my cup.  How did I stick a pacifier in a baby's mouth in the middle of the night and miss the spit up all over her body or the pee all over the crib? If I call the pediatrican one more time they may think I'm crazy. I miss my husband and the way it used to be...I can't wait to wake up and see those smiles and am glad it isn't the way it used to be...


Just another day. Thank God for another day... 

3 babies, 3 months and 3 x the pictures!



An update from our 2nd month!! So many great pictures from 2 months - it was a fun month! A rather long post - but too many pictures to pick from!





 At 3 month birthday - Harper 10.13 lbs 22 inches / Quinn 14.6 lbs 24 inches / Gracie 12. 3 lbs 23 inches


What happened around here?

Getting stronger and can hold heads up for quite awhile and not wail at the top of our lungs to be on our tummy! Found our legs and like to "stand"on our laps 

Started napping in our pack n plays together .. and then we were big kids and moved to our nursery upstairs and we all sleep in our own cribs! Sometimes we let mom and dad sleep over in our room :)

We coo and goo and grroo and squeel when we are happy and it is simply the best sound to ever grace the earth. We will "verbal volley" and sometimes do a he,he,he giggle (but don't understand what that noise is yet)

We make intense eye contact and I mean we stare at mama and papa. We watch you come and we watch you go

Music and Toys - we love music in the morning and we really love the classical music on our Tiny Love mobiles. We could stare for hours!! We also kick,kick and talk to our jungle & ocean playmats. But our favorite toy by far is the ceiling fan in the sunroom!! We tend to stare at the tv too.. hmm.

Grub- Still drinking Neosure and Q & Gracie up to 5 ozs and Harps 4 ozs. 

Sleeping - ( the longest paragraph because sleep seems to be the most talked about, desired, and frustrating and rewarding topic around here!)  We continue the baby wise/my own version. I started on Monday the week entering their 13th week and it is about to push me over the edge sometimes with their pout faces and sad cries. BUT... I always stand at the door watching the cries and counting the minutes (I am only doing about 3-5 minutes at this point) and everyday gets better. I thought I would hate baby wise, but I really liked a lot about it. It's simple, explains in detail things that happen daily around here (like sleep patterns and crying patterns..once I started looking for them, WOW! there it is. Gracie cries EVERY NAP an hour in. And as the book says, if I keep picking her up..well, I will be crying in an hour in with her everyday too.) It's basically sleep training, and I'm giving it my best shot.  In fact, on Thursday of this week (so our 3 month birthday and the 4th night in Quinn went to sleep with NO CRYING. This has never happened without being rocked..and normally even with rocking, wailing once put down.)  How is this for crazy? I was sad he didn't "need" me anymore! Geez - this mom thing really does make you crazy. Same thing happened the first night they did 5 hours.. I didn't sleep a wink. I was in  every 30 minutes with my finger under their nose to make sure they were breathing! 

I guess we always want our babies to move on from the stages that feel exhausting and what feels like forever... and when they do, and our life should "be easier"  a whole other can of worms opens up and you wish it was, well, easier.. like it used to be. (Enter a memory of setting an alarm those first few weeks to wake them up to feed them. I thought this was the hardest thing in the world. Now, I have 3 alarms. And no snooze buttons). However, morning time is the BEST TIME around here  -- smiles, kicks and snuggly warm bodies just waiting for you to pick them up! Makes everyday a new day around here...

My letter to my babies -- 

Dear Harps - You can and sometimes will smile all day. Sometimes in the middle of being fussy you forget and smile. Put a hanging anything in front of you and presto, a gorgeous smile! You even giggle, like "he,he" Your eyes light up and when I sing to you, oh man .. you look at me like, "Mom, you must be the prettiest lady and the best singer for miles". You barely cry and if you do, it is for a reason. Sleep like a dream and just drift off when put in the crib. You are that baby that moms say "she's just an easy, happy baby" I mean, I catch you giggling in your sleep. You really smile at your daddy, even if he is just in the room talking.  I think you wake up everyday thinking, "man, life is fun!" And I look at you and learn...your innocence is contagious.

Dear Gracie girl - you are my girly girl. You are a little moody but when you smile, look out - you smile with her whole face and it makes me want to cry! You have your daddy's eyelashes and they are BEAUTIFUL! You will watch us leave the room and will even stare at us while holding another baby! You are really starting to lock in on eye contact and you LOVE stories - not like book stories - but mom and dad make up these really cool stories on the fly, type of stories. I make up stories about princess Gracie and mommy and their travels to Paris and Italy and you just stare and listen! You love playing in the "ocean" playmat and will talk forever to all the ocean people :) You are the thinker and as serious as your face can be, you must be thinking of something really, really smart...

Dear Quinner - Oh the sweetest and happiest little chubby baby boy ever! You just like to be held and looked at and when anyone holds you, you really stare like you really want to figure everybody out. You love looking at pretty ladies and you were a hit at our first mommy and me strollerfit class (you stayed awake watching the ladies do jumping jacks!) You are obviously growing really well and you sometimes sleep a whole day! But other times really playful and kick your feet and laugh and coo! You must have heard boys are behind & wanted to prove them wrong - 1st to roll over and coo and goo and we just crave your conversation. One of my favorite things is the way your hands smell.. (weird, I know) but they just smell like BOY (like pb & j and mud all mixed in one). You are already a pleaser just because you do just that, please everyone who holds you!

-----------------------

Month in pictures...

Mama & Gracie after mom's 1st run outside!

The Mighty Quinn

Smooch for Harps

Our 3 month drs appt (no, Quinn does not have a huge outie - just a herniated umbilicus?!)

1st family walk on the trail!

Harps taking a burp break in the swaggerwagon - bottles in the van and then 1st family walk on The Monon

Daddy loves his girls!

What would we do without our Ikea blanket?

1st pairs of jeans!

Hippy Babies 

Oh yea, just smiling at the swing! Wheee!!

And the thinker - looking out the window in her swing 

It was once a wine cooler...

Sleeping in grandmas arms..ahhhh

Did you really wake me up by taking my clothes off..how rude?

We love Great Grandma Hamilton

A visit from Lindsey & Gabe!

Aunt Jennifer & Zack 

Aunt Abby 

The Girls 

I'm so sweet.. 

Sleeping..again

Hello, look at me - I'm strong!

He,he,he..happy Gracie in the morning. One on one time w/ mom..other kids down for naps - lucky us!

Q's one sided smile that seems to grow and grow bigger as you talk and coo with him

The boys!

Just turn this mobile on, throw some bottles in and a clean diaper & we are good for the day..

I am going to roll over... SOON!

Boy, I love this Panda. Let's go on a walk! Life is good. 

What could captivate 3 babies at such length?? Oh yeah, the CEILING FAN.

The College Fund Begins...



It won't be like this forever

Tonight I was lucky enough to get to much anticipated 1st yoga class since last June. I've been dreaming of this for so many months. It was a great outing for myself and 2 of my best friends, Lauren and Laura - who both happen to be sharing the seat on this ride of motherhood with me. It has been a long winter for the 3 of us - sleepless nights, wondering if we are doing anything right or if it's all wrong and discovering our way through this new chapter of life. I am so thankful and blessed to have characters such as these girls in my village :)

Like so many times, I came away from my yoga class with a "lesson from the mat". Before class started I was talking to Laura (delivered her baby girl 8 days before us) about some of her hormones, feelings, emotions after pregnancy, having a newborn, etc. Since I have a lot of the same feelings, I told her "It won't be like this forever" and she laughed. So we start the class and I am so impressed with my muscle memory! 8 weeks of bed rest, who cares!? Planks - no problem! Downward dog - like an old friend! And wow I'm flexible from that relaxin hormone..and then comes the side plank, twist your leg under the other leg...the record stops. I literally fall to the mat because either the parts weren't put back in right or I just simply can't do that one, teacher. I've done it a million times in my previous life and I pout. And as I look to my friend for comfort during class, she whispers, "It won't be like this forever.." Ha..okay.

And in my shavasana moment at the end of class..my mind drifts off to all the things that "won't be like this forever.." and I had to stop and thank God for the many, many gifts these three little bundles have introduced me to. I instantly remember how all 3 were so little when they came that they fit on my chest almost like a necklace..and their heartbeats were so fast on my heart. And I think, those morning where I think "It will be so much easier when they are sitting up, when they sleep longer, when they eat on their own, when they walk.." man - I am taking chunks out of the beautiful present moments I have right now.  The cuddles, the cries because all they need is held, the coos, the smiles at everything, the soft skin, the everything!!  Quinn, Harper and Gracie rock my world.. and as hard as it is, I'm so thankful for THE NOW because it won't be like this forever..

Baby Wise = Mama Confused/Tired and not so wise feeling

When I was reading this book last night, I thought it sounded like the perfect plan...14 hours in today (and may I note I have been up 14 hours mostly trying to chart WAKE,EAT,SLEEP time..an interesting task with three babies "to wise")

Why is it that today when I decided to try an approach on sleep/naps around here they all decided to wail 1 hr into the naps? They have napped in their cribs great for the last few weeks. Well, the girls are doing well upstairs but the baby boy is my work in progress. When are you ready to not rock your baby to sleep? By the time he's 18??

I actually think it's silent up there for now. 9:43. Not bad. Fingers crossed it stays. I mean, can't I watch The Bachelor in peace in reward for my wisery attempts today?

To be continued..

Exciting Stuff in the Hackman Home

Who knew when your baby rolls over the 1st time you would BE SO EXCITED! I may have been as excited about this as I was when Scott proposed... :)

Check out Quinn rolling over for the first time at 11 weeks.. (actually his 3rd time, but his first day..he just kept rolling over and rolling over..of course followed by cheers!) Girls, your turn next!

In other news..all three babies have been sleeping in their big boy and girl cribs every night and for all of their naps..AND.. SLEPT for TWO, FIVE hour stretches! It's a start!

Today was a fairytale...

Well, maybe if Cinderella had triplets...

The last 24 hours -

Meet Grayson our buddy, FINALLY. Quinn needs to catch up so he doesn't get beat up... Go on a walk with Aunt Lauren - screw up our naps and get fussy and foreshadow the night ahead.

Grayson meet Quinn...catching up quickly so he can hang 

Baths last night to "Calm" down babies to work on "going down" (3rd night in cribs upstairs out of our rooms!) "Calming" resulted in no sleep for 2 out of 3 babies from 6 pm until hmmm.. 10, 11? What went so wrong, we will never know.. All the while Harper the overachiever sleeps like, well, a baby. Tonight is overall frustrating but the baths with us as a family made my heart feel warm. Scott danced to Jack Johnson with the babies on deck for the bath and they all smelled so soft & sweet.

Dancing with Daddy

Harpertime. 1 baby down (notice it is a team sport, noone gets out dry)

Quinner..I promise he was relaxed and not in fear

Gracie Pie cuddled up

A little post bath cuddle in Harpers crib to get warm 

It is true, you will do anything to make your baby sleep. As in the mobiles are on their way, lets try a playmat jungle.

Toast for dinner.

The morning comes..Gracie wakes up so happy and just kicks & plays on the mat! (First time ever a baby woke up to play and NOT be in immediate need of feeding their hunger!)

I feed Quinn and hurry to get him ready only to remember, I am not in control of when I leave the house. Getting our cute outfit on for our Strollerstrides class, he pees all over my shirt and while I drop my mouth open in shock, you guessed it, peed in my mouth. Wow.

Lets go workout mom

Strollerstrides - Quinn seriously watches the moms do jumping jacks while he sits in his stroller with his eyebrows arched and smiling. How does he already know he likes this? Mama about dies running laps and feels like the fat kid in gym class.

Starbucks on the way home..ah.

Amy, our mama's helper is here today - bottles are made and I can shower. Babies are fed and actually nap in cribs. The house finally starts to look a little more recognizable.

Playtime in the loft with sun shining in -- I do the MOST ridiculous faces, sounds and noises to get any smiles I can get cracked. I really do work for smiles..today my commissions were good - smiles from all
3.




I conquer the 5 pm and 8 pm witching hour feedings alone & survive.

Babies are sweet in the sunroon as they stare up at their swings and are content as the suns sets.

I get projectile spitup and I cry because Harper doesn't even act like it phased her and it sooo phased me. I cuddle her extra long and love her snuggly self.

Daddy is home with Scottys take out. I order a wrap with ranch on the side (all I really want is the ranch..I really haven't eaten a real meal today. THEY F.O.R.G.E.T my ranch. I realize I need to get out of the house because the ranch was supposed to be the exciting part of my night.

I attempt to swaddle and put "down" -- and we start again..Harper, peaceful and dreaming of ponies. Gracie - kicking and staring at the wall (no crying, a move in the right direction)  Quinn, eats another ounce or two (really, 5 or 6 ozs, Quinn?) I think we are good..nope, he is still up and just wants held - I'm in the nursery rocking again..2 of 3 down. And all of a sudden I remember the stretch in my belly when they were growing in their and in the rocker by the window with the streetlight coming in I can see all their little faces. Even though this is so hard I want to cry sometimes, today I am so complete and so thankful for this happy ending that is really a new beginning...