A snapshot...

into the mind of a crazy woman = a mother of triplets, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend. Me. 


Today I just tried really hard to remember how we did it, and what we did around week 1. And week 4 and 6. And week 8. And week 11. And I couldn't remember. What were the babies doing? What was I doing? What was it like?


Since this may be the only newborns we ever have (yes, I said may..) I really want to soak this time up and remember it all and by writing it down, it forces me to live in the present. Which is an effort I choose to make everyday to keep my sanity. I can't speak about one newborn, but I can on mothering three. It is chaotic, it is stressful, it is scary, it is exciting, it is never boring, it is poopy (literally), it is a room full of six eyeballs looking at you with admiration, it is sleepless nights, it is missing your husband, it is loving your husband at 3 in the morning for being by your side, it is thankful grandma loves us, it is wanting to cry and you don't have time, it is being in love with three human beings that literally make the world a better place. It is moving from a crush to love in weeks. It is breath in my face, the sweet smell on their head, the soft velvety skin and the adrenaline that gets us through the sleepless nights. Its something warm running down your back while burping, again. It's getting peed on. It's I just file 30 nails yesterday, why are they waking up looking like Scarface? It's loving and hating the assembly line of bath night. It's three mouths to feed and three mouths to smile. It's wondering how they ever fit in your belly.  It's everyday. And it's starting to take form into a committed, never wavering love. Everyday that passes I wonder if my heart really could grow more. If I could feel more alive than I already do with more & more smiles? And mostly, why does my heart dance with joy and at the same time break with worry and inability to physically give and show as much as I feel or desire to give to each individual love of my life.  

It is difficult everyday to know if I'm doing enough. Am I engaging each baby enough? Did I say their name enough? Did they smile enough today? Are they happy? Do they like me? Do I like being a mommy? Of course I like being a mommy...but do they feel like I feel like I like it? Do they know when I hold their sibling and not them? Are they behind because I can't engage them enough? How will I get my hands on a Starbucks..I'm so tired. I'm so out of shape, I can't look in the mirror. I want to workout, but I don't want to leave them. I need to leave, I need time away. I can't leave, noone but me can feed 3 babies at once. The house is a mess. It doesn't matter, they won't be little forever. Oh no, they won't be little forever .. why would we ever let them "cry it out" - rock them, remember, they won't be little forever. But we can't rock them, there are 2 of us, 3 of them. My arms ache to hold them..I'm so hungry and tired, I can't hold them right now. I mourn breast feeding. My uterus feels like it was "loved and leaved" - I miss them in my belly. Wow, they fill my cup.  How did I stick a pacifier in a baby's mouth in the middle of the night and miss the spit up all over her body or the pee all over the crib? If I call the pediatrican one more time they may think I'm crazy. I miss my husband and the way it used to be...I can't wait to wake up and see those smiles and am glad it isn't the way it used to be...


Just another day. Thank God for another day...